If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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