I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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