Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
