Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
