she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
