Omg! Love it! Cant find L*****
What!!?? Like after last night you lost her?
Yea me and L***** came back to out hotel at 3am to regroup then went back out; police and 2 bars later, I don't know what happened. Vegas is nuts!
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
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