I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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