Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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