After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Someone shattered a urinal.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize
