I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
