i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
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