i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
