dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
