One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
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She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
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That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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