Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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