You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
