I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
My vagina is officially offended.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
