cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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