I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
