Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize
