hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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