Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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