theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
