Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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