I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Randomize
