Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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