You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
