thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
