i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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