You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
