did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
