A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Randomize
