Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
