i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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