There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
BRING THE BAGELS
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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