you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
