I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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