You would DIE at the bar we're at right now. All indian/asian med students, I swear
Asian doctor ratio. So hot. I would've gone into heat
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
