Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
You ruined the universe
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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