He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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