is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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