I'm jealous of your bromance
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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