yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
