the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
