don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse