My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is