I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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