I got her a Nickelback box set.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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