I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
