my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
