You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Just pee around me
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Randomize
