i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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