I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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