I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
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I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
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therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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