They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
