Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
